Sunday, January 01, 2012

Despite renewal of our vows, new rings, and a romantic vacation, this morning Josh told me that he has changed his mind again, and that he doesn't want to be married to me anymore. This time it is really over, because I won't be opening myself up to this

Despite renewal of our vows, new rings, and a romantic vacation, this morning Josh told me that he has changed his mind again, and that he doesn't want to be married to me anymore. This time it is really over, because I won't be opening myself up to this hurt again. I don't know when or where I will move; I am too shell-shocked to make plans right now. I am holed up with friends, feeling very sad and sick and bewildered.

After 6 years of joyful sharing, this blog is now closed. In the next few weeks I will start another. If you would like to follow me there, please email me at hashimaree at gmail dot com, and I will share the new address with you.

Peace out.

Saturday, December 31, 2011

December 31

Good morning LA

It's quiet here. Everyone is out. Buffy came looking for me, mewed, then waddled off. Josh and I slept very little last night. We went to bed after midnight then lay in the dark bedroom for several hours after waking early, his arms wrapped around me, our eyes mostly closed, his warmth at my back. We never do that. We usually sleep on our own sides of the bed; I get too hot while touching, and he likes to play music under his pillow while I need silence. But this morning it felt so right, so peaceful and nourishing. Just to love each other gently and quietly in the dim room on this last day of a crazy year.

We are in a tenuous place, working on renewing a relationship that went off the tracks, both with our cracked open hearts that want nothing but happiness for ourselves and the other. It is not a simple thing, to put a marriage back together. While rediscovering our original joy, we have to put aside preconceptions and make new patterns of communication and behaviour. It's work. Some days are easier than others. But we're going forward, one day at a time, in kindness.

I have given much thought to my 'one little word' for 2012. I was first drawn to HEALING, but now I'm going to go with HEALTHY. Healthy body, healthy relationships. I want more than just to heal, I want to go beyond healing into a place of great health. I know some changes I need to make, and others will become apparent over time, if I keep LISTENING (my word for 2011) to my body and intuition.

No grand resolutions for me; just a continuing of the heightened awareness that a year of conscious listening has brought. And a wish for good health to you all.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Maui wowee

Our tropical paradise vacation was some kind of perfect.

Sunset over Lanai
Back in 2005 we took the kids #snorkeling in #australia. Lauren was too chicken to go in. Today she LOVED it. But we had to tell her that the Great Barrier Reef was a thousand times better than the reef in #maui #hawaii
#papaya at #twinfalls on #roadtohana. It looks like this is a hermaphrodite tree, but really the male tree (with the long flower spikes) is behind the female (fruit-bearing) one
#sunset #maui #hawaii #beach
#ziplining is awesome fun!
#humpback #whale #maui #hawaii
@carouseldancer hanging loose on a #catamaran under a #maui #rainbow
Happy in #maui

2011 is ending SO much better than it started. What a crazy year it's been. Two months ago we were merely days away from a finalized divorce. Now we are giddy in love again, and re-committed to our marriage.

And I have to tell you that Mookie is not the only poet in the family. I awoke early the other morning as Josh was getting out of bed in the dark. "Shush," he commanded. "Don't talk." So I slept for another hour or so, and was then greeted with this poem he had been composing earlier.

Is that romantic ... or what??


Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Drive-by sunset

I know I shouldn't take photos while I drive. But sometimes it's just so pretty along PCH. I left work early enough to catch the sunset today. Gorgeous. OK, I pumped up the vibrancy in Camera+. But it was still gorgeous!

We're going to have a very different Christmas this year. No big meal, no silly hats, no friends, no crackling fire.

Because we're going to Hawaii!


Friday, December 16, 2011

Have yourself a merry little (buddhist) christmas

Have yourself a merry little (buddhist) Christmas
I'm neither Christian nor Buddhist. But I love Christmas lights, and faithful friends who gather near to us, and warm feelings of goodwill and cheer. I also love the peace this little fellow brings to me when I spend time with him.

And then there's bokeh. Of course I love that too.

So here we have them all. Merry Christmas, all of you.

Have yourself a merry little (buddhist) Christmas

Sunday, December 11, 2011

At the ball park

Ready for the softball game
Gunning for first base
At bat
Victory Hug
Josh plays on an entertainment industry softball team, and yesterday was perfect weather to watch. It was a nail-biting game, ending 19-18 with a grand slam. Yay Dexter! I love that last shot; being on opposing teams (and shows) doesn't hurt the friendships. The camaraderie is great to see. Those guys and girls have a blast.

And I've decided the time has come for me to learn to throw and catch. I don't want to go through the rest of my life "throwing like a girl". My own personal coach has agreed to teach me. Cool!

Monday, December 05, 2011

Feeling good

Feeling so good right now :-)

Busy day, but happy. Yes, definitely happy.

Things are feeling right.